Chronicles of a Depressed Lonely Woman

EPISODE ONE

 Hi there, 

I am Z, I am an introvert. It has always been hard for me to make friends from a tender age and the fact that I changed schools a lot didn't really help either.

I go out with the friends I made in high school and I always pride myself as having the best female friends a girl could have, I had friends yes but they weren't close friends, I stopped associating with them in college cause I wanted to find that close friend although I kept tabs on them and the fact that I didn't get into college to study the course I wanted kind of made easier to stay away I was ashamed, dissappointed and sad. 

I got into another faculty to study a totally different course from what I had in mind but at least I would meet people and make good this new opportunity. Fast forward three years and I still hadn't found that friend I could be myself with and God knows I needed one a million times, I soon started to wonder if those high school friends could have been the one and I had fucked up my opportunity.

I started to get close to them again and continued after my graduation from college and even move in with one of them so she could be my link to them or so I thought.

I went out with them, I made sure I didn't miss any of their parties or being around them despite my strict home. I got grounded sometimes for going against my parents' laid rules, like coming home late or running an errand to be around them but still I felt lonely. Here I was surrounded by people having fun and I was still lonely. The only one who I think came close to me a little was F and even she didn't know how depressed and lonely I was.

I was so good at hiding it, I dated series of guys thinking that closeness in a relationship could help with my loneliness. My so called best friend T didn't know anything, we were just bffs by word of mouth she never really was there for me emotionally.

I have been depressed and lonely since 2010 high school and no one not even my parents knew about it. 

Welcome to my chronicles

    

                                                       

My Heart Won't Go On

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we are gone.

Ever been in a position you said NO to a great guy then when he finally moves on, you begin to ask yourself what the hell you were thinking and if you actually made the right call.

Well if you haven't, I have and in 2016 this has happened twice. When this happens, you do one of two things
Firstly you begin to wonder and question yourself. You ask what is wrong with you, why are this good guys not enough, what is it that is missing, are your emotions or judgement clouded, do you still carry a torch for your ex.

Then you want to reconsider your decision, question plagues you again and you wonder if you are settling, if your emotions aren't just messing with you and if you have friends in great relationships, you question if yours will come.

I still have no answer to the above questions but I just know in both situations despite them being great guys, God-fearing, hard working and caring guys whom I had a great deal of affection for as at the time of meeting them. I just couldn't take the final step that would commit me into a relationship with either one.

Despite making the decisions and your sixth sense telling you that it is probably the best decision, the heart is such a funny organ and it hurts for what could have been a whirlwind romance, the love of a lifetime, a friendship that will span across years and you shed a tear and pray to God you haven't made the worst decision of the year a second time.


Just because the HEART won't just go on. Xoxoxo

The Horror that is my Service year

You will notice from the above heading that the word 'is' is used signifying that is present tense as I am still very much living through and experiencing the most horrific service year ever. You know what lets make a series out of it, let call this Series 1. I was posted to Borno in this recently completed batch B stream 1 orientation camp and we were camped in Bauchi, I will leave my camp experiences for another series and just talk about the state I was relocated to which is Ogun state.

I came like every other Corp member and reported to the state secretariat 3 days after my return from Bauchi. It was hell trying to get registered the place was packed with other Corp members like myself I was up early everyday coming from Lagos to Ogun state. It took me 2weeks to finally get registered and then PPA became an issue. I got the contact of some guy at the ministry of information from a fellow Corp member and friend that I could be posted there it worked out fine and when I went there all happy thinking to myself there is a silver lining at last, the old fool that was to be my boss introduced me to the vastly corrupt and morally decayed society I was in. He tapped me on the butt and even went as far as suggesting accomodation that was close to his house, I have never been sexually harrassed before and it took a long amount of googling to understand what had happened I blamed myself, maybe I smiled too much or maybe in some way I passed across the wrong message. 

I ran straight to the secretariat and immediately demanded another placement I really didn't mind if I was put in a school. I got a secondary school, the place was good although public and they didn't meet up to any of the conditions stated in the letter but the LG ruined it, Abeokuta North so back to the secretariat I was again seeking yet another posting on health grounds. 

I decided to get posted to the secondary school my friend was so as to be in Abeokuta South and also be with someone I knew in this strange town.

Accomodation was then another issue, I went through series of greedy agents and horrible houses before I finally found one that was within my budget in Kuto although I wasn't too sure about the electricity supply. Again just when things began to look like it was finally falling into place I was smacked on the face with yet another horrific experience

I went for my first CDS at the secretariat because I didn't have a place to stay I packed a small bag with work clothes and in the process forgot my white trainers for my khaki, I went with my sandal the first officer that saw me was nice and understanding but the next wasn't, she was outrightly mean and seized my sandal, made me walk barefoot round the secretariat begging her and suddenly it escalated she was insulting me and telling me that if I liked I could go to my village shrine with her name that she was out for me that if care wasn't taken I would be back to repeat my service year I was dumbfounded not only because I had been nothing but polite since the encounter but because I had no idea why she was angry and transferring aggression. 

As I am typing this, I am still barefoot in the secretariat, dreading why I came here in the first place and feeling so embarrassed imagine walking round barefoot and people staring, can't wait to talk to you guys in my next post hope I have a better report to give about this place fingers crossed, still hopeful because I have God.

I am not even praying for her to give me back the sandals despite it being a new one and my favourite, I am just praying that God gives me the ability to forgive her because she really hurt me ‎

SHADOWRITER!!!!!

After being hounded to get my funk on, pick a pen. Finally I am here to introduce myself,the other faceless person on this blog. 

Unearthing the words to describe ME is a challenge even for me. I have been called weird, shy, dangerous, freak, fun, demanding, uptight, playful, and even a snub 

Lets just say i am a bit of everything 😃. I am that girl you want me to be depending on who is asking 😷but don't get it wrong, i am ME all the time and that I won't trade it for your comfort. Now that the odd intro is out of the way 😂Let's get a lil bit personal.  

Realism for me is everything.. I believe life is white and black and the mixture of the two gives varieties of colors. 

Life and death, truth and lie, rain and sunshine, happy and sad. Ultimately, life is about positive and negative depending on the edge of knife you're standing on.

These sets the tone upon which my views, opinions and staunch beliefs on life's many delicate and sometimes less complex issues are formed.

Really looking forward to spending more time with you and sharing all the fun and not so fun things I will be getting up to😘😘. 

Love,

Shadow Writer.

Hi, I am Anonymous.

Finally.
 I am sure you reading this would wonder why wondered why I started with that, this is because after a whole lot of procrastination, maybes and maybe not, a little mishap here and there, the blog is finally opened an here to stay I pray.
For the purpose of this blog, I would be known as anonymous and subsequently you will meet the other half of the blog when they are ready to be introduced .
Just so you have a mental picture here is a list of things I hope to achieve on the blog and also what kind of person anonymous is.

1. I love God a lot and would talk about my Journey before Christ and with Christ.
2. The blog was opened to enable Anonymous Inc share stories of their life freely and not worry about the cyber trolls and bullies who you can't please no matter how much you try.
3. It is Anonymous because I tell people I can't write and would never blog so I don't want my friends knowing I have been fibbing 
4. No topic is off limits. I would write as it comes and unfiltered 
5. I won't keep to schedule or blog frequently for now
6. Two different people might end up blogging on here
7. It is okay to send a mail if any post resonated with you, want a listening ear or a piece of advice
8. Amateur bloggers. So be nice and give corrections 

With all that being said, a very warm welcome to the blog. I know we would become great friends. Xoxo.